Some Funny Quotes

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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills. – Dolly Parton

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
Milton Berle

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’  – Charlie Brown.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. – Katherine Hepburn
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The road to success is always under construction.

Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

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Ray Romano

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